A tribute
Martin, myself and Marc during my high school graduation, March 2000.Giving hugs was our favorite hobby. :)
***
I met him 21 years ago, while I was in my crib, and he was looking over me with eyes that showed a whole lot of love and awe. After all, before me, he had been the only child of Daddy and Mommy. He had never really seen a baby girl look up to him with such dependence before. It was then that he promised himself that he would help take care of me and protect me from every harsh thing in the world.
We had a lot of fun growing up together. I was succeeded by another baby, our youngest brother, and most of our years as a trio consisted of either "the boys ganging up on me", me getting Daddy to be on my side (since I was the girl), or me being "one of the boys". I annoyed him a lot of times too, especially when he couldn't understand why I kept wanting him to play Ken to my Barbie instead of his G.I. Joes blowing off my Barbies' heads and bringing them to the battlefield. But when Scarlet finally came out (a female G.I. Joe figure), our worlds slowly agreed to come together and compromise.
Later on, in our teens, we found more and more to talk about and "bond" about. He teased me endlessly about having crushes on guys from his school, and I got to tease him just the same when some of the girls at my school would hyperventilate at the sight of him--so much that he felt so awkward about coming along with Daddy to get my report card. He seethed with fury whenever the boys I liked turned out to be of lesser standards than he "required" for me, while I would just sit back and wait for the chance to say "I told you so" when the same thing happened to him. :p
He taught me a lot of things. How to appreciate literature (by continuously recommending "good books" for me to read), how to appreciate news (he was my walking newspaper), how to appreciate art (he was the most amazing comic book artist I knew--he taught me how to draw a swimming person without making it look like a butter knife :p), how to appreciate and value the people around me (he treasured his family, girlfriend and friends very much), and, most importantly, how to appreciate myself. Whenever I was feeling insecure, he would perk me up by saying how much he believed in me. He was the only person I knew who could give me compliments in such an objective, un-biased way, keeping me grounded, yet making me feel like I was on top of the world at the same time. He inspired me in so many ways, and I always wanted him around. He was one of the main reasons why I entered Ateneo--because I wanted to be in the same school as him. He was also one of the main reasons I took the course that I did--because he made me believe that I had the skills and the ability to make my dreams, goals, and ambitions come true.
We would lie on his bed all night (up until the sun came up, sometimes), just pondering and talking about life, our family, and just about anything that came into our minds. When he learned how to drive, we threw our younger brother into the insanity and took our daily talk-and-ranting sessions out to the mall, or nacho snack bar near the house. I found out so much about him then, and we grew even closer as each day passed.
And when the time came that he met the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, he was so worried, possessive, and skeptical at the start. He knew he had taught me, through his experiences, that there was no other way to love another person than "with all my heart", and he was scared of what would happen to me if I applied that in my relationship. It's a good thing he was eventually convinced that he could share his sister with this one guy who took care of her "almost as much" as he did. ^_^
For a long time, for 18 years, I believed that nothing bad could happen to me because of his presence. Even if I encountered a lot of hurt and pain outside the house, I would always feel safe when I came home because he would be there to give me a hug and listen to (and most of the time help me analyze) whatever happened to me that day. He was always able to keep my head straight, helping me rationalize the bad things while being thankful for the good.
Then the bad things started catching up and making things worse--for him, for all of us around him. Soon, his sickness became so apparent and obvious that he had to go around with some sort of attachment (it's called a catheter, I think) hanging on his chest, and a literal bubble on his head where his medicines would be administered. He had always had routine trips to the hospital, but it was only later on that he actually looked like he was a real, hurting, sick patient. It became heartbreaking to watch him try to entertain his guests when they visited him in his room, because--try as he might--he couldn't hide his discomfort as well as he could before.
And so one early morning, with his whole family around him and after almost 11 years of fighting his disease, he finally decided to end the struggle. That morning was the longest, most tiring, most defeating, and saddest day of my life. I lost my kuya, my staunch defender and protector, and my bestest friend in the whole world. As I hugged him for the last time, I actually felt him breathing very slightly, and, convinced that he could still hear me somehow, I whispered "I love you so much" in his ear, and "I'll miss you".
Now, almost four years after his death, I still find myself thinking about him every single day, wondering how he'd react to my daily choices, and imagining what his life could have been. I miss him terribly, but a part of me accepts the fact that he was sent to me and my family for a reason, and that his life had come full circle on that fateful morning. There were no regrets. He knew we loved him, and we knew that he loved us more than his life, but he just couldn't hold on any longer.
I know he still looks down at me today with eyes that would protect me from the harshest realities of the world if he could... only, now, he also looks down at me with a hope that he taught me enough to prepare me to face these realities not only by myself, but with the help, support, and love of people who he had taught me to appreciate just as well.
He was the best kuya I could ever have had.
I love you, Marckie, and I miss you so much. T_T We all miss you so much. Thank you for everything. ^_^
We had a lot of fun growing up together. I was succeeded by another baby, our youngest brother, and most of our years as a trio consisted of either "the boys ganging up on me", me getting Daddy to be on my side (since I was the girl), or me being "one of the boys". I annoyed him a lot of times too, especially when he couldn't understand why I kept wanting him to play Ken to my Barbie instead of his G.I. Joes blowing off my Barbies' heads and bringing them to the battlefield. But when Scarlet finally came out (a female G.I. Joe figure), our worlds slowly agreed to come together and compromise.
Later on, in our teens, we found more and more to talk about and "bond" about. He teased me endlessly about having crushes on guys from his school, and I got to tease him just the same when some of the girls at my school would hyperventilate at the sight of him--so much that he felt so awkward about coming along with Daddy to get my report card. He seethed with fury whenever the boys I liked turned out to be of lesser standards than he "required" for me, while I would just sit back and wait for the chance to say "I told you so" when the same thing happened to him. :p
He taught me a lot of things. How to appreciate literature (by continuously recommending "good books" for me to read), how to appreciate news (he was my walking newspaper), how to appreciate art (he was the most amazing comic book artist I knew--he taught me how to draw a swimming person without making it look like a butter knife :p), how to appreciate and value the people around me (he treasured his family, girlfriend and friends very much), and, most importantly, how to appreciate myself. Whenever I was feeling insecure, he would perk me up by saying how much he believed in me. He was the only person I knew who could give me compliments in such an objective, un-biased way, keeping me grounded, yet making me feel like I was on top of the world at the same time. He inspired me in so many ways, and I always wanted him around. He was one of the main reasons why I entered Ateneo--because I wanted to be in the same school as him. He was also one of the main reasons I took the course that I did--because he made me believe that I had the skills and the ability to make my dreams, goals, and ambitions come true.
We would lie on his bed all night (up until the sun came up, sometimes), just pondering and talking about life, our family, and just about anything that came into our minds. When he learned how to drive, we threw our younger brother into the insanity and took our daily talk-and-ranting sessions out to the mall, or nacho snack bar near the house. I found out so much about him then, and we grew even closer as each day passed.
And when the time came that he met the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, he was so worried, possessive, and skeptical at the start. He knew he had taught me, through his experiences, that there was no other way to love another person than "with all my heart", and he was scared of what would happen to me if I applied that in my relationship. It's a good thing he was eventually convinced that he could share his sister with this one guy who took care of her "almost as much" as he did. ^_^
For a long time, for 18 years, I believed that nothing bad could happen to me because of his presence. Even if I encountered a lot of hurt and pain outside the house, I would always feel safe when I came home because he would be there to give me a hug and listen to (and most of the time help me analyze) whatever happened to me that day. He was always able to keep my head straight, helping me rationalize the bad things while being thankful for the good.
Then the bad things started catching up and making things worse--for him, for all of us around him. Soon, his sickness became so apparent and obvious that he had to go around with some sort of attachment (it's called a catheter, I think) hanging on his chest, and a literal bubble on his head where his medicines would be administered. He had always had routine trips to the hospital, but it was only later on that he actually looked like he was a real, hurting, sick patient. It became heartbreaking to watch him try to entertain his guests when they visited him in his room, because--try as he might--he couldn't hide his discomfort as well as he could before.
And so one early morning, with his whole family around him and after almost 11 years of fighting his disease, he finally decided to end the struggle. That morning was the longest, most tiring, most defeating, and saddest day of my life. I lost my kuya, my staunch defender and protector, and my bestest friend in the whole world. As I hugged him for the last time, I actually felt him breathing very slightly, and, convinced that he could still hear me somehow, I whispered "I love you so much" in his ear, and "I'll miss you".
Now, almost four years after his death, I still find myself thinking about him every single day, wondering how he'd react to my daily choices, and imagining what his life could have been. I miss him terribly, but a part of me accepts the fact that he was sent to me and my family for a reason, and that his life had come full circle on that fateful morning. There were no regrets. He knew we loved him, and we knew that he loved us more than his life, but he just couldn't hold on any longer.
I know he still looks down at me today with eyes that would protect me from the harshest realities of the world if he could... only, now, he also looks down at me with a hope that he taught me enough to prepare me to face these realities not only by myself, but with the help, support, and love of people who he had taught me to appreciate just as well.
He was the best kuya I could ever have had.
I love you, Marckie, and I miss you so much. T_T We all miss you so much. Thank you for everything. ^_^
***
Thank you to everyone who was with me during that period of mourning and despair. I know it was a long time ago, but I still owe all of you my gratitude, and I've never forgotten the support you all gave me. It's only taken me this long to finally find the words to write, and yet these words just aren't enough to measure exactly how much I appreciated you guys being there for me. I wouldn't have made it through without all of you by my side. ^_^
posted by Mich @ 3:00 AM
10 Comments:
naiyak nmn ako dun... :(
Hehe binabasa mo pala talaga blog ko! :p Sensya na, senti talaga ako today...
ay, na-sad naman ako sa post mo. =( ako naman isa sa mga frustrations ko sa buhay ay hindi ako nagka-kuya. labo ba? anyway, nabagabag ako sa post mo. =(
it was great seeing you yesterday, mich. sayang lang i was in a hurry kaya di kita nakachika. pero natuwa ako nung nakita kita. tc. =)
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hi Chrissy! Ang funny nga kasi I was half-expecting you to come out Summit nung time na yun. Nung lumabas ka nga napa-double take ako kasi hindi ako sigurado kung na-imagine ko lang na nandun ka. LOL.
Wish you could have met Marc. Pareho kayong astig humirit. ^_^
Ingats lagi. Next time sana makapagchikahan na tayo. Cool cell phone mo, hands off! :D
hun you made me cry kainis ka! i love you! --> li'l bitch
I think I shoud rename the title of this post to "Tearjerker" T_T Been thinking about him kasi lately.
Love you too, byatch! Mag-aya ka ulit ng inuman, sama na ako. ^_^
awwwwww....
*hugs*
..beautiful post.. :)
awww mich, that was beautiful. :) galing that you have the strength to write about him now. like chrissy, wish ko rin na nagka-kuya ako. your bro sounds like such a great guy. tc!
@Bryce
*Hugs* Thanks ^_^
@Aisa
Thanks, Aisa. ^_^ Miss you na! Hope we can hang out soon. ^_^
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